ADHD Masking in Women: A Morning Routine

"Masking is when a person with ADHD acts in a "socially acceptable" way to fit in and form better connections with those around them.

This usually involves camouflaging their symptoms by controlling their impulses, rehearsing responses, and copying the behaviors of those who don't have ADHD." ADDA Editorial Team 

Women with ADHD are known for having efficient masking skills. I am only now aware of how much I have been masking all my life. So much so that sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the "real" me and the "masking" me.

Masking is also what can make ADHD difficult to diagnose in women. It can be why our entourage questions us when we first talk about our diagnosis.  How many times have I heard "you're so organized", "you're so calm", "you're well put together"? 

What people don't see is what goes on underneath my "calm" and "organized" front. 

Let me tell you of my morning with ADHD.

Often, people see me arrive at an appointment (barely) on time, with a peaceful demeanor, a smile, and a kind thing to say (even if I don't like small talk). I am dressed with my hair done (well, with my type of hair, I don't have to do anything), make-up, jewelry  (because I never remove them). 

What really happens, though, is that I wake up late because I go to bed (too) late. I still check my messages to see if my daughter sent me anything. I take the time to answer because I love her, and it makes me happy, only to realize I lost fifteen minutes when I'm already cutting it close. I still choose to cuddle with my dog and throw her a ball, just to see her excited and happy, because she is so cute. 

How do you want to get out of bed with this cutie by your side?

By now, there are twenty minutes left, I am not dressed, and the dog is not fed. I run back and forth between the kitchen and the bathroom because I have decided to take care of the dog and myself at the same time.  Ten minutes left and still not dressed. Now I have to really run, forgetting where I put my shirt, the one I really want to wear, checking one closet and another. I purposely avoid looking at the time because I know it's bad and don't want to know. Also, what I don't see doesn't exist. If my husband is in my way, I will at best ignore him, at worst complain about him not doing something (his bag is on my way, the car is dirty, he left something in the car, whatever, I'm mad). I put stuff in my bag, hoping I don't forget anything, grab the keys, or maybe look for them in a total frenzy to finally get in the car. I look at the time, "fuck fuck fuck." It's gonna be tight. I drive away, holding my breath, shoulders to my ears. I drive too fast, obsessing over the time. I get mad at myself for being "late" again, for everything really—a little bit of self-blame on top. I start to feel really bad about arriving late. I imagine the worst scenario; I'm sure they're going to judge me and hate me. It's easy to trigger me, and when it's time to park, I pray there's a spot because I can't handle any more stress. I get out of my car, grab my bag, and walk like a maniac to the meeting or appointment. I might have forgotten something I need to bring. I don't know.

I finally arrive.

Here is where I switch: I walk with poise, look casual, smile, and say, "Hi, how are you?" I'm actually just on time. But even if I were late, I would look relaxed about it and apologize, even though I'm actually dying inside from being the worst person ever.

You see me calm and collected when inside I'm overwhelmed and anxious. 

Not only that, but there's a chance I'm going through an intense emotional episode (positive or negative), and I have to hide it or suppress it because I feel like the person probably isn't able to deal with my intensity. Instead, I have a script to say.

The problem is that it's not a once-in-a-while scenario, but an everyday struggle. Overworking to get things done, to appear "normal," and to maintain that appearance takes its toll, physically and mentally. The person on the outside might see someone who is composed, but I know what it took me. I know not all is as it seems, which can easily slide into feeling like an imposter. 

Masking is there so I am protected from being told that I'm messy, chaotic, unreliable, disrespectful, crazy, or emotional. It's already enough that I will think these things about myself.

Masking is not a harmless act. Having this type of morning repeatedly has a huge cost on our self-worth and self-esteem. So the first step is to understand that we are not alone in feeling that way, that there is nothing wrong with us, and that this is just how our brains are wired. It's a time to pause and, for a moment, hold space for self-kindness. 

Therapy and coaching help me better understand what is actually happening and how to manage these moments. Understanding my own ADHD helps me to stop judging myself for the daily chaos. Then I have some systems in place to navigate the challenges of procrastination, time blindness, or distraction. And when it's still chaotic, I've learned to accept what is when I don't have the spoons to do differently. ♡

To learn more about masking and ADHD, you can read this article from the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA.com)

https://add.org/adhd-masking/

Christelle 🐝